W What is your guilty pleasure? For me….. it’s an hour on a float in the pool. I don’t care if its a small 10′ pool or an Olympic size pool…. this is my latest guilty pleasure!! A guilty pleasure is something that most people think is crazy/weird/not valuable but to the person its greatly needed. Me, i NEED my sun. I’m banking on every warmish day that comes our way right now to get some me time in.

I’m a Stage IIB Melanoma Skin Cancer Survivor. You’d think i would (should) avoid the sun like the plague. I know I know… but i’ve got SPF 50 sunscreen, lip block, hats, and if my friend Terri had her way i’d be wearing a full SPF bodysuit. It has taken me ALL summer long to get a slight shade of reddish brown. I’m normally lily white and burn like crazy. At softball games for the kids I used to hide under trees to stay out of the sun. I even brought an umbrella a few times. I’ve got surgical scars and plastic reconstruction across my face and a scar that runs down my shoulder blade down to the elbow almost. Because of this I do take precautions. Nonetheless, I need my time in the pool.

I’m an advocate for self care and taking time for yourself. Even more so, as the primary caregiver I need my mental break however I can get it. So I’ll slather up with sunscreen and spend an hour floating as often as I can. The benefits outweigh the risk right now.

As the caregiver, I’m constantly worried about blood sugars, doctors appointments, prescription doses, medication changes, insurance, blood sugars, blood pressures, dialysis, reimbursement, financial obligations, cleaning, cooking, laundry, nurse communication, and now add on transplant aftercare – the list never ends. On top of that, I’m trying to build my dream business, work as much as I can so we CAN pay the bills, and still take care of family obligations. I said the other day “its rough thinking for two” every single day for the past 18 months let alone adding on the extra medical requirements.

Caregivers don’t get the recognition they deserve. Everyone is always worried about the patient. What about us? Yes, the medical crisis happened to them BUT DANG IT – IT HAPPENED TO US TOO!!!! We might not be the one who is undergoing dialysis or surgery but we’re the one left holding all the pieces and keeping the balls juggling in the air. Only a few of my closest friends and family asked “how are you?”. More often than not i heard “man, you handle this so great!” or “youre one of the strongest women I know”. Inside, however I felt like I was dying just a little every single day.

Luckily, I had my faith to lean on. I remember when we got some bad news I was ANGRY because seriously, what else could possibly go wrong. I had some real brutal conversations with God, cried a lot, and then knew i couldn’t do it on my own and handed it all over to Him. No matter what you believe in, God, the Universe, a higher power, Buddha, etc LEAN IN TO IT! Embrace it. If you need a prayer warrior I’m here for you – just say the word. But know you can’t do it all on your own.

Some people forget about themselves when a medical crisis hits. I’ve gained 20 pounds and haven’t met a carb I didn’t like. My hair has been in a messy buns more days than its been freshly washed/dried. I’m pretty sure my clothes didn’t stink but you might have seen me in the same shirt 2 days in a row when i was struggling with my own depression. Things weren’t making me happy and thats when I knew I needed a reset.

Some people read, exercise, run, eat, drink, color, binge watch Grey’s Anatomy, and some fall deep into a depression that they spend years coming out of. I tried to exercise but I felt guilty that something might happen while i was gone. I’ve read more books this year than i have in the past 5 years combined. I’ve clearly ate judging by my expanding waistline but none of those things were making me happy. So i bought a baby pool and sat in it for 20 mins (after applying sunscreen).

It was twenty glorious moments. I soaked in the sun and the fresh air. I took plenty of deep cleansing breaths. I just sat coexisting peacefully. The water can either cool me down or warm me up depending on our Kansas weather. I relaxed. I reassessed what else I needed to do after spending some quiet time with no phone or laptop. I physically could feel my shoulder muscles relax after a couple days of this routine. Some days I sing Hamilton at the top of my lungs. Some days i take a quick nap. Some days i just listen to the wind chimes. But most importantly, i’ve found something that I needed to do for me. It recharges me. I’m a better wife. I’m a better person. I’m a better caregiver. So i’ll use all my precautions and enjoy a little bit of time in the blasted sun protecting myself against additional cancer.

It doesn’t matter what you do but as a caregiver you HAVE to find a release for yourself so you can survive. Don’t forget about you. It’s easy for you to get lost in the mix and to hold/harbor a lot of angry feelings. Find something that you can do to reset for yourself. You matter. We need to take care of you too. The first thing you try might not be the answer. Keep trying things. Don’t give up on you.

What is your guilty pleasure?? As soon as Kansas changes its seasonal mind i’m going to need a new guilty pleasure, but for now i’ll keep enjoying floating in the pool as long as i can. Share in the comments what you’ve tried or what you like and maybe it will be my next guilty pleasure this winter!